 Central
Dauphin Band Bus officials are steamed by two
federal government mandates, each of which
apparently conflicts with the other. The
result has pulled the plug on the Central Dauphin
Ram Band's use of the ubiquitous Band Bus so far
this fall marching season. A District source,
who did not want to be identified, explained,
"They're trying to dictate everything to us from
soup to nuts, but at the federal level, it doesn't
seem as though the right hand knows what the left is
doing."
A 2005 federal mandate from the U.S. Department of
Transportation ordered all schools that participate
in the National School Band Bus Program -- Central
Dauphin is one of them-- to convert Band Bus engines
to biodiesel by July 1, 2006. The rationale
for such a plan was the readily available fryer
grease from high school cafeterias. According
to G. K. Willy, spokesman for the National
Association of French Fry Manufacturers (NAFFM), in
2004, the average high school cafeteria created
enough french fry grease in one week to power the
nation's entire Band Bus fleet, some 11 million Band
Buses. According to Willy, the Central
Dauphin High School grease is especially valued.
"That grease was brought over from the cafeteria of
the old high school building because it was
considered unsafe for the middle school kids who'd
be taking over the cafeteria." Willy explains
the grease was original to the construction of the
old high school: "They never had to change the
grease, and we're not sure why. Some think
it's because the fry grease was rendered from
several animals that are now either extinct or
really rare."
A second 2005 federal mandate, however, from
the U.S. Department of Agriculture, ordered all
schools that participate in the National School
Lunch Program -- which is most of them -- to have
created "wellness policies" by July 1, 2006.
Those policies include the promotion of
nutritionally balanced foods and healthier
alternatives to high-fat, high-calorie choices.
This was the beginning of the end for french fries--
and the concomitant byproduct, fry grease-- at the
CDHS cafeteria. The USDA announcement stunned
CD School District Transportation officials.
 "We
had already set up a high tech bio-diesel pump,"
complained the anonymous district official, "and had
finally figured out a way to get rid of the herd of
feral cats that had been congregating around the
pump since it was installed." According to the
district official, the transportation department
employees are mourning the loss of the comforting
smell of the biodiesel pump. "The reconfigured
Band Bus exhaust smells like popcorn, Mexican food,
stir-fry, or french fries, depending on the nose
that's sniffing. They really liked that
scent."
Biodiesel is expensive -- retailing for about
$3.50 a gallon for pure biodiesel, or B100. But
despite the hurdles, the federal government mandated
biodiesel for the Band Bus program because it is
biodegradable, renewable, virtually non-toxic and
runs in any blend in a diesel engine.
Bush administration officials also point to its
homegrown role in improving national security by
reducing dependence on foreign oil. They like that
it can reduce the trade deficit, create jobs here
and support American farmers. The
Transportation Department's move was premised on the
ready availability of fry grease.
Now that school district fries are going the way of
the dodo bird, Transportation officials are
scrambling to come up with a contingency plan.
"We've discussed lots of alternatives," explained
the District Official, "and nothing's been left off
the table. Some of the ideas, though are
pretty gross: leftover hot dog water, spit
valve juice, and that weird garlic sauce that Papa
Johns sends with their pizzas but nobody eats.
We've tried all of those. So far, nothing
works as well as good old American french fry
grease."
 District
and national cafeteria officials were equally
mystified. "So if ketchup is a vegetable, this
french fry ban is doing nothing but keeping our kids
from eating their vegetables," complained the
anonymous district official. "It's ironic that
they debated whether to call them 'Freedom Fries'
and then just a few years later banned them from our
kitchen. Plus, now that Federal plan has
benched the Band Bus. It's just not
right. It's sending a bad message to our
kids." Despite repeated telephathic inquiries
by
www.cdramband.org to comment on any of these
issues, neither the School District nor the Federal
Government responded.
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